best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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