i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize