I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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