her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
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