it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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