So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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