Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize
