I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Your tits are I can't wait for
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
How does it feel to date your dad?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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