Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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