theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you would pick up someone in the library
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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