you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
