How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Let's get the cat blown out
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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