i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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