Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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