I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
