was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
