I wanna bring you to show and tell
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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