took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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