My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize