just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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