T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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