The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
