I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
