If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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