I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
