You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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