Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
