Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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