Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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