The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
