I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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