If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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