I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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