i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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