So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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