when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
