it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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