I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
