I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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