I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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