Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
