why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
