I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize