I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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