I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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