He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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