First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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