WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
