Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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