I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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