I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
