This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
