Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
