It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
