I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
zippers are such a cool invention
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Randomize
