I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
