I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
