Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
