It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Randomize
