Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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