I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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