my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
